I love you.

Yesterday, I was at the hospital all day.
The day before, I overdosed.

I don't want you to think I'm posting this journal for "attention" or "to make you feel bad" , because I'm not.
I'm posting it to show how big of an idiot I am.

I didn't realize until yesterday how many people care. Yes, I admit people don't like me, but that's a part of life, right? I let all the negativity get to me and eventually I gave up. I've been with a war against the world for a couple of years now, but these past few months, it's been at it's worse. It's like, I'm not myself anymore. It's almost like there's this monster inside of me that's controlling me and I'm so sad, that it's hard to fight back.

I gave up Monday, I took 36 pills of Excedrin, a whole bottle. And then I went to sleep hoping I'd never wake up. At midnight, I woke up, shaking, crying. My whole body was sore and my skin was purple. I could barely breath. I was like this for two hours straight, but thankfully I called my friend and he stuck with me all night and was stayed up. At two in the morning, I puked. It was straight up blood. Every 20 minutes until noon, I puked up blood. That's when finally my dad noticed and called 911.
My friend, the one that I was on the phone with, he told everyone that I was close to about everything. And so, while I was at the hospital, my phone kept going off, of course, I wasn't able to look at my phone until later that night, but still.
I was discharged at around 8 or 9 last night. I had to take so many types of medicine and I got so many shots and just it was all horrid.  I was really loopy afterwards. 
But around 10, I finally got back into shape, my body was still hurting really bad.
But I decided to look at my phone.
And there it was.
It hit me.
It hit me how stupid I was.
I had all these texts and calls and snapchats from all these people that cared. I realized how many people I meant something too and how many people I loved. I couldn't ever imagine life without most of my friends, and really, I didn't think how much it would've hurt them if I was to never to wake up again.
Today, I'm doing better.
My body is still sore. I've only puked a couple of times.

But, today, I'm promising never to cut again.
Never to try to kill myself ever again.
I promise to stay strong.

I love you. You're beautiful. Don't ever forget that. People do care about you, it just takes a whole lot of fucking up to realize it. You matter. You belong. I know it hurts to hear this, but it does get better. Trust me. You just got to believe in yourself. You just can't expect it to all get better in a day without you trying. It all starts with you. Don't let other people get to you. I know it's hard, but you'll win this fight.
I love you, darling. Stay beautiful. Stay you. Stay true.